My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
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Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids