I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
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Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
he’s sick of your bullshit today
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”