If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
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Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
My circle of trust is a meatball
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”