We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
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Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
repaired
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔