Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
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[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985