I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
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[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
found my next D&D character name
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Tremendous stuff
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?