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7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.