My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
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Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.