HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
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[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀