Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
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HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
be careful
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner