[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
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I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”