My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
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My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Haha! 😂
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Thursday
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
We have a winner.