Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
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Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.