Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
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There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Cha-ching is my safe word
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.