Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
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Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
A sick whale is called an unwhale
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.