I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
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“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.