ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
You Might Also Like
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.