Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
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“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Every time.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.