I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
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BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon