why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
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My birthstone is kidney
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.