mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
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Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
I get distracted pretty eas
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars