May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
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‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
How about daylight saves us for once
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why