I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
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her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
it be like that
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.