What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
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If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.