Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
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No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
From my Mom
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.