Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
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Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Ferrari squats
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.