My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
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It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Siri, fight Alexa.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT