Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
You Might Also Like
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that