My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
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Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog