I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
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I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Mummies are just super modest zombies
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
me after eating Cheetos
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance