Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
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I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Venn
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
i’m sure it’s fine
Meow
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.