Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
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I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
This is always good for a laugh.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
pat pat
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”