I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
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We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white