My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
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Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Raisins are grape jerky.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.