Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
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I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
sigh
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Gemma Correll
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.