Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
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* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.