Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
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I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Look at this
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?