Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
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Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.