the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
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Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
An odd boast
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone