If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
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I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery