Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
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My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos