Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
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Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.