harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
You Might Also Like
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.