When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
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Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.