I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
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pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume