Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
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Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.