I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
You Might Also Like
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
People buying plungers never look happy.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here