Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
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Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
my one true gender
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?