Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
You Might Also Like
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
a public service announcement
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.