When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
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Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Two types of dogs.